Who is Lisa Shaver?

September 4, 2008

Lisa Shaver wants to be my friend. Not in person — I should be so lucky — but via Facebook.

I don’t know Lisa. We have no friends in common. I can see her photo: young, attractive. Two boxes ticked. (Hey, I’m a man. God decreed that we are to perpetuate the human race. It’s in the Bible.)

She’s in a relationship, so I’m guessing marriage is not her reason for making contact.

She’s Catholic, so my parents will like her.

She has 235 friends, so others have obviously accepted her invite and revealed their details like a drunk teenager on grad night.

But why has she contacted me? The only connection I can draw from her profile is she lives in Calgary and I worked for the Calgary Herald for eight months, up to January of this year.

The Facebook rules state I can’t even send her a basic question — “Uh, hello?” — without giving her one month’s free access to run amok amidst my list of friends and basic information.

What if she’s a mole? A spy? An avatar? A fake? Some kind of government agent posing as a pretty blonde in order to ferret out my stats and those of my mates? Hey, pervs pose as other people all the time on the Internet.

It’s not as if “Lisa” is asking to meet me at the bus station or anything, but unsolicited friend requests set the hairs on the back of my neck tingling.

Isn’t Facebook supposed to be fun? Then why am I feeling so paranoid?

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Of course, Lisa could be looking for another John Ireland entirely, and not the silly git who writes this blog and only wishes young, attractive women actually existed in his world. Sadness, nothing but sadness.)


I’m frowning at the wee man who sits on G’s shoulder.

G is my new best mate, the one who kept urging me to start this blog, for crying outloud, while I sat on my hands for three weeks after doing little more than naming the site.

I told G I wasn’t sure if I could think of anything the entire World Wide Web would find remotely interesting. She said to imagine a wee man, sitting on your shoulder, reading your words and whispering this into your ear: “So what?”

The idea being that the wee man acts as a sort of gatekeeper/editor/censor to ensure you’re not adding to the drivel already clogging the Internet Universe like a plugged toilet.

After reading one of my blogs, G told me her wee man only twitched a couple of times. Not bad, but not excellent either. So, while our respective wee men give each other the hairy eyeball, I will make an effort to produce only pearls of wisdom every time I put fingers to keyboard. (EDITOR’S NOTE: He means AFTER he finishes this post.)

G also raised an eyebrow over the un-PC name of my blog, Kiwis being just as prissy-whipped as Canadians, apparently.

So I’m guessing it’s a good thing I didn’t go with my first choice.

Lickmymoko might have caused her wee man to clutch his chest and pretty much fall down dead.

Mates don’t do that to mates.


One Response to “Who is Lisa Shaver?”

  1. George said

    Oh bless, I haven’t read your blog for a while but after my very special treat today (thanks so much!!!), I wanted to see how you were getting on. And.. John you are an extremely funny/clever writer. I am sorry you didn’t win the short story competition, but the judge probably doesn’t have a sense of humour, bc I crack up laughing out loud when I read your posts. Keep up the good work!!!

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