I can’t hear you, there’s a prostate gland in my ear.

September 22, 2008

Doctor: “What seems to be the problem, Mr. Ireland?”

Me: “The inside of my left ear feels swollen and I’m not hearing very well out of it.”

Doctor: “Let’s take a look. Eardrum looks fine. Nothing wrong.”

Me: “Uh, the swelling? The lack of hearing?”

Doctor: “I’d say you have a mucus blockage somewhere in the eustachian tube.”

Me: “Mucus?”

Doctor: “Snot.”

Me: “I know what mucus is. Now how do I get rid of it so I can hear again?”

Doctor: “Clamp your nose and breathe out really hard.”

Me: “I’ve done that before but I’m always afraid I’ll rupture an eardrum.”

Doctor: “Can’t happen. Of course, your eyes might pop out.”

Me: “What?”

Doctor: “Just be sure to catch them before they hit the floor. Nasty business, cleaning eyeballs.”

Me: “WHAT!!”

Doctor: “Just kidding. Wee bit of medical humour.”

Me: “A very wee bit, actually.”

Doctor: “I see by your charts that your wife is older than you.”

Me: “Yes, by nearly six months.”

Doctor: “Six months? Your chart says 10 years.”

Me: “Let’s see that chart. Oh, right, my year of birth is wrong in your records. I only wish I was born then.”

Doctor: “I thought something was strange because you look older.”

Me: “Bit of medical humour again, eh, Doc?”

Doctor: “No, actually.”

I must have a vast reservoir of snot in my head (as opposed to the excrement some people insist fills the space between my ears) because this is the second time I’ve seen a doctor with the same complaint. While I was bit pissed having to pay for being told I was fine, at least today I was able to keep my pants on.

The last time I had my ear checked, I ended up with the doctor’s finger up my ass.

In the course of the visit, I made the mistake of revealing it had been a few years since my last prostate exam and the doctor was all, right, drop trou, knees to chest, and how do you do. I have to be the only patient ever to go in with a sore ear and came out with a sore butt.

So far no one has diagnosed exactly why my ear acts up. On the plus side, my prostate gland appears to be perfectly healthy.

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