Planet Man has been voted off the island.

November 30, 2008

I’ve always been attracted to strong women. I like that they’re capable of making their own decisions in life and relationships. I like that they refuse to be dominated by idiots. Or dictated to by morons. That they take an equal role in decisions and choices and pathways. That they carry their own weight and pay their own way.

There is a down side to strong women, of course. They do not suffer fools lightly. And by fools I mean pretty much the entire population of Planet Man.

My first wife, having grown weary of my control-freak act (“You spent how much today?”), eventually punted my demanding ass to the curb. Looking back, I can only wonder what took her so long.

Viking Woman also has an intense personality, as you might have surmised by her nom de don’t-you-dare-use-my-real-name. And by “intense” I mean “willful” as opposed to, say, “bitch.”

She is opinionated about most things, but that’s OK — at least you always know where you stand with her. That may be in the corner, wearing the “Dunce” hat, but, hey, at least you know.

She’s never been a big fan of reality shows, but will sometimes sit through episodes of Survivor in an attempt to comprehend the thought processes of the lowest common denominator. And by that I mean anybody who doesn’t squat to pee.

That can be a good thing — at least we’re doing something together and in the same room, even if one of us is snorting in derision.

The bad news comes when she starts applying the rules of tribal council to the real world.

The Viking Woman Monologues:

“The women should vote off all the men because they don’t need them. And only keep the skanky women around long enough to lure the men to their doom and then punt the skanks as well.”

“Women would do a far better job of running the world. We don’t need men. We’d only keep a few around to donate sperm for the turkey baster. We don’t need the hunter-gatherer because women can do those things. We may not be as strong, individually, but a group of women can still lift an elk or a mammoth if need be. Women don’t feel the urge to see who can pee the highest or furthest. Take away the brawn and the penis, and what have men got going for them?”

“Men are a disappointment. You meet someone and you think they’re really neat, really awesome. And then the more you get to know them, the more you dislike them. The more of a disappointment they become. I have very little respect for very few men, I’m afraid.”

“Would the world be better without men? Oh, God, yes. I’ve often said that if the powers that be were all women, they could solve the problems of the world by sitting around having coffee and a chat. Men tend to piss on trees, trying to see who is the top dog.”

“Guys hate when they think a woman is better than them. Or smarter or has more capabilities. They can’t accept that, maybe, there might be a woman who is better than them. They get all insecure.”

***

Depending on your gender, after reading the above comments you’re either nodding with enthusiasm or fearing for my personal well-being.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I should be defending Planet Man against such dastardly accusations. And I should probably do that right now. Except I’m busy hiding under the house.

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3 Responses to “Planet Man has been voted off the island.”

  1. Rob said

    Hmmm – all a little too frighteningly similar to what I hear… save some space under that house willya, we can discuss the secret training camp they all attend when they hit puberty so they can learn ‘that look’ and ‘the 10 questions to ask your mate that have no right/correct/SAFE answer’ /scuttle

  2. omega said

    what about giving men female hormones?

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