Let me guess — you’re going to love me long time

December 17, 2008

hello
My name is ket, i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you more,and if you can send an email to my email address,i will give you my pictures here is my email address (********@yahoo.com i believe we can move from here! Awaiting for your mail to my email address above ket.

Dear Ket:

Thanks so much for taking advantage of our mutual membership in survivor@wetpaint.com to write to me. I don’t receive many e-mails from people interested in being my friend, miserable prick that I am, so you can well imagine how thrilled I was to read your message.

And, yes, you will be pleased to know that they do actually screen Survivor all the way down here in New Zealand, although I believe we are a bit behind the North American schedule. No matter, I still have this gut feeling Richard Hatch is going to win.

As for your request, you’ve definitely piqued my interest.

For instance, I’d like to know where you learned English. Judging by the way you write, and your complete disregard for punctuation and upper-case letters, I’m guessing you live in a non-English-speaking country. Either that or you’re a typical teen. Either way, I’m suddenly feeling very afraid for the future of the language. R u 2?

As for my profile, well, you see, I don’t actually remember filing one out. And, if I did, I sincerely doubt it was that interesting — I’m old. I live in New Zealand. I’m an unemployed, uh, freelance journalist. I tend to shave at irregular intervals and have been known to bop around the house while listening to Tom Petty, wearing little more than Krispy Kreme boxers and white sport socks. Risky business, I know, but someone has to entertain the neighbourhood dogs.

Actually, now that I think about it, I am damn interesting after all. Thank you, Ket, for bringing that to my attention. 

As for moving from here, well, here’s the catch — I’m pretty much stuck. You see, I have this rather large pile of newspapers breeding in my room each night and that means, to take all my precious possessions with me,  I’d have a heck of a time meeting Air New Zealand’s luggage weight restrictions.

 Oh, you mean moving on from here. Again with the English language thing. But I understand now.

And, yes, I suppose a good first step would be for you to send me photos of yourself. Unless of course, five seconds after I click on them, there is a banging on the door and a squad of grim-faced men is lined up outside my house. They would march in and start filling large plastic bags with all the household electronics, including the toaster and Viking Woman’s iPod deck. And while they are doing that, another chap would be pulling on latex gloves and eying my ass.

I’ve had my prostate gland examined recently and, if it’s all the same to you Ket, I’d like to wait a few more years before the next digital insertion.

So maybe we should hold off on that whole photo exchange thing, at least until we get to know each other a little better.

We could maybe start with identifying whether you are a he or a she.

You see, my good and kind friend Ket, I have no way of knowing your gender. Your name is ambiguous. It’s as confusing as, say, Apple or Bronx or Sunday or Dipshit.

I’m afraid this could be the make-or-break point in our fledgling friendship. Because, you see, if you do happen to be a male, then I won’t be needing any photos after all. 

I’m a man. I own a digital camera. I have more than enough pictures of penises, thank you very much.

Have a good day.

Sincerely

John

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One Response to “Let me guess — you’re going to love me long time”

  1. Lily said

    I love it! Puts a smile on my face every morning…oh, and I love Tom Petty too and I don’t think I’m that old yet…although, I suppose that is debatable.

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