I would do anything for love. According to your bio, so will you.

January 3, 2009

My neighbour, Daniel, is a nice young man with an attractive wife and a child with dimples to die for.

Daniel and I recently discussed setting up a barter system whereby those of us with backyard gardens would exchange fresh fruit and veggies. This was how things were done in the good old days. And by that I mean before the Sumerians invented money and were subsequently invaded by investment bankers, mortgage lenders, stockbrokers, and a distant relative of Bernard Madoff, who must have arrived from Egypt because he was going on about some kind of pyramid.

When Daniel isn’t being a good neighbour, loving husband and doting father, he helps residents of the United Kingdom have sex.

Not literally, of course. He’d need an awful long, um, reach to accomplish that all the way from New Zealand. Instead, he operates the website ukcasuals.co.uk.

What a good Kiwi bloke is doing helping Brits get their rocks off, when there are perfectly decent New Zealanders in need of a happy ending, all comes down to money. As in, Daniel wants some.

He could have set up a site in New Zealand but that would have involved spending great gobs on templates and other Internet thingees that make my brain hurt to think about. And so Daniel turned to an English company which allowed him to access its existing files of dating software, payment processing, customer support, hosting infrastructure and the like.

Because it’s an English provider, at this time Daniel can only cater to the UK market, but that’s OK because, apparently, Internet dating services are very popular in that dreary part of Europe. No surprise, really. Some of those accents are so thick you could spread Marmite on them. At least if you type up a bio, everyone can read and understand it. Well, considering this is the British we’re talking about, make that most everyone.

Daniel says one of the reasons he was inspired to start the company was due to bad experiences his mother had with the whole Internet dating scene. She complained that most men she contacted were only interested in shagging and bugger the romance.

Men wanting sex? Who’da thunk.

Anyway, Daniel’s business plan went something like this: Give the horny bastards what they want.

So if you have frilly longings for poetry and candlelit dinners and picnics and puppies, there is no need for you to access ukcasuals.co.uk. (In fact, with a wish list like that, you’d be well advised to avoid all contact whatsoever with Planet Man.)

Being a highly-trained professional, I decided to do my own spot of journalistic investigation (and, admit it, you’ve only read this far in the hopes that things would get naughty). 

I had to sign up first, of course, which means pretending to be British. Having lost a tooth to an errant hockey stick, I qualified based strictly on my dental records. Accordingly, I now “live” in Avon (chosen at random because it sounds vaguely Shakespearean, and we’re all about the classics here on Planet Man).

In the course of filling out my personal profile, I grew slightly taller. And younger. I also managed to reclaim most of my hair. 

I know what you’re thinking and, yes, this is a lot of work just to have sex.

So far, all I’ve done is sign up for the free membership, which allows me to press my nose against the window, as it were, because you need to provide a credit card number to have full access to the merchandise. But, even once removed from the goodies, it’s been an education.

I offer the following examples, while warning the quoted personal profile excerpts are presented verbatim: 

I clicked on 18-year-old Sarah’s profile and my screen was immediately filled with an image of her genitalia.

Dear Sarah: Hello! Nice, ah, angle, but you’ll have to excuse me if I appear a bit cautious. You see, this is a bit like those real estate ads where they only show you a house’s interior because the exterior is a real disaster. So while your interior appears to be in good working condition, I’m not about to start moving my furniture in quite yet.

Linsey, 36:

 Ok, a little about myself. I’m friendly, brunette.. i am a natural 38GG-24-38 …with succulent nipples, i will be nice to a well endowed man or bi woman …..in return i will give you things you only fantasies about??

Dear Linsey: Do I really want to know what GG means? (Gigantic Globes? German Ghosts? Gnarly Gnomes?) At the risk of being anal retentive, I believe “well-endowed,” when used as an adjective, is hyphenated. And, following up on that whole pesky grammar thing, I’m not sure I really want to hook up with someone — no matter how succulent they may be — who can’t spell “fantasize.” I guess I’m just kinky that way.

Chrissy, 27:

Right everyone i’m here and i’m here for one thing only. SEX! you could call me a slut cause i’ll have anyone even if he has a wife,girlfriend or whatever. i always get what i want and i dont stop until i get it. Sex is my main priorty in life. i want to find a man who wants the same, a shag and thats it. none of the i want to take you to dinner and stuff. 

Dear Chrissy:

I’ll be on the next flight. Please pick me up at the airport.

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2 Responses to “I would do anything for love. According to your bio, so will you.”

  1. I’m assuming that these profiles were the only ones submitted by females, the remaining thousands (and thousands)of entries penned by randy males who don’t even reach the literary heights of Linsey, (has she also managed to misspell her own name?) but sadly do share Sarah’s preferred photographic method of introduction.

  2. megan said

    After you read a few of the profiles, did you have red felt marker on the screen correcting their errors? Or did you take it beyond that? Respond to them, teaching them a thing or two.

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