Planet Man baffled by disappearing toilet paper. Pictures at 11.

February 14, 2009

Planet Man has been invaded by Venusians and it is not a pretty sight.

Viking Woman already resides here, of course, under that whole until-death/divorce/justified homicide-you-do-part clause. But two other members of the female persuasion have now joined us: a friend from my days at the Langley Times and Viking Woman’s niece.

Like all residents of Planet Man, I have learned, over many years of practice, to tune out The Wife. I nod my head when I deem it an appropriate action, and then grunt when I sense some sort of verbal response is required.  But I’m not really listening. Because I don’t really care. And by that I mean, because I’m a man.

That’s fairly easy to do unless, of course, the nod/grunt follows a question like “Are you having an affair?” or “Would you like a chainsaw enema?” Followed shortly thereafter by me standing there with the Stupid Man Look on my face, going “What?”

But I’m finding it a bit trickier to ignore three women. Not when one of them is sitting in my favourite chair. Not when one of them is using my favourite spoon. Not when one of them is occupying the library toilet and another is standing by the kitchen sink, leaving the flower garden as the only viable outlet. (On the plus side, I now know urine kills weeds. Also zucchini. Both are good things.)

Everyone on Planet Man knows women are aliens, beings who possess weirdly formatted bodies, who cover their faces in war paint and who vacillate between needing a hug and telling you to **** off.

They do not come with an instruction manual and yet somehow expect the inhabitants of Planet Man to know exactly why they think babies are so damn cute or why Extreme Makeover: Home Edition causes their eyes to leak.

A further difference between the planets was hammered home recently when one of the Venusians asked how much toilet paper I had in the house.

“I just bought 12 rolls,” I said.

She shook her head in disbelief. “That’s not going to last.”

“The month?”

“The weekend.”

I do not know what women do in the bathroom. In fact, I don’t think I ever want to know. Some things are meant to stay a secret forever: What happened to the Incans? Who would ever vote for Bush? Who would ever vote for Bush twice? Does the pope really shit in the woods?

And, how do women manage to go through so much toilet paper?

For the sake of my delicate constitution, I’m just going to imagine that they enjoy playing Revenge of the Mummy and wrap themselves in the stuff.

Sounds good to me.

As further proof of the differences between Venus and Planet Man, Viking Woman and I recently compared our list of future goals.

I Want To Do: Return to full-time employment. Pay off credit card bills. Get in shape.

Viking Woman Wants To Do: John Corbett.

I rest my case.

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3 Responses to “Planet Man baffled by disappearing toilet paper. Pictures at 11.”

  1. halfaker said

    I enjoyed this. Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Ram Venkatararam said

    Very nice post. Thank you very much.

    10% off toilet paper for you and the Vesuvians next time you vist my convenience store.

    Thanks again. Funny.

  3. Megan said

    Hilarious! Maybe they plan to toilet paper the neighborhood.

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