Bacon is bad for your health. So is dying.

April 28, 2009

God, eh? What a joker.

Entire countries can only stand by helplessly as their national economies collapse at their feet. Banks and finance companies implode on a daily basis. No one is making new cars. No one is buying any kind of car. Millions are left unemployed after their jobs evaporate overnight. People are losing their houses. Fathers are killing their entire families before eating a bullet themselves.

The only reason the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have yet to arrive is because they lost their steeds when the stock market crashed and it’s a long walk from Hell.

And, just when the situation couldn’t get any worse, when countries can’t print money fast enough to bail out sinking industries or shore up society lest we all revert back to the Stone Age, NOW comes word that the bacon I ate for breakfast with my gluten-free pancakes is going to kill me.

First bird flu. Now the swine flu. I’m not sure if I’m a character in The Stand or Animal Farm. Either way, it’s going to get messy, what with one more bug attempting to sweep mankind from this mortal coil, leaking from both ends as we lie convulsing in the dust.

The swine flu is, apparently, a pandemic. Which, I believe, is an epidemic with an attitude. With teeth, as it were.

And it’s going to kill us all.

Well, actually, it’s just going to kill you.

Me? I’m down here in New Zealand. Three tiny islands, completely surrounded by a million miles of water. We can shut down the international airport in Auckland, blockade a few harbours, and then drink chardonnay and eat mutton and kiwifruit forever while the rest of the world shits out its own intestines.

Good as gold. Sweet as.

Except . . .

Except we’ve just had Easter. And Easter equals school holidays. And school holidays equals students flying off to foreign countries and bringing back souvenirs.

A group of students, on a field trip to practise their Spanish, flew to Mexico. What, Spain was closed?

The souvenir they brought back from Ground Zero was confirmed last night. It’s the swine flu.

Sweet Baby Jesus, they’ve done murdered us all!

Including, hopefully, the joker who said education was good for you. Study hard, we’re told, and you will go far. I studied hard: I’m unemployed. These students went far: All the way to the fourth circle of the underworld before returning with sombreros and ponchos and guts sloshing with Dos Equis Ambar and the Andromeda Strain.

One cough and four million of us will drop where we stand.

Except . . .

Except you only catch the flu if you come into direct contact with an infected host.

But I’m a freelance journalist. I have my computer. I have broadband. Even under normal circumstances, I never have to leave the house. I can actually reach out my office window and pluck grapefruit from the tree growing in our front yard. Not only do I not make human contact in the process of feeding myself, I also never have to worry about succumbing to scurvy.

I might grow rather bored with such a limited diet but, when my fellow Kiwis are all dead and I’m starring in my own version of I Am Legend, I can venture out to the supermarket and eat all the ice cream I desire. I think I’ll start with the Hokey Pokey.

And then I will toddle off to work.

You see, that’s the good news — the silver lining, as it were — about everybody else dying: I will finally have a job.

Well done, God. High five!

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One Response to “Bacon is bad for your health. So is dying.”

  1. Alice Grey said

    Hilarious!! The best post in a long time! I’ve been missing these…

    p.s…I am down with the flu and a hacking cough..what are the chances?

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