We’re all going to die shoeless, thirsty and naked.

December 27, 2009

There are certain things that happen in life that make you want to high-five every person within a 10-mile radius. Losing your virginity, for instance. Or the birth of your children. Or when your children (finally!!) leave home.

I have a personal choice to add to that list: the date in 2007 when Air New Zealand instituted direct flights between Auckland and Vancouver, thus eliminating the need to make a stopover in Los Angeles.

Someone once compared the ordeal of passing through LAX to the Seventh Ring of Hell. I disagree. Hell and all its rings is Disneyland compared to that American airport experience.

Due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, Viking Woman and I flew into LAX from the South Pacific about seven weeks after 9-11. Now, I don’t like guns at the best of times. Big guns scare the ever-lovin’ crap out of me. When those big guns are pretty much waved under my nose, it’s a wonder every one of my sphincters didn’t simultaneously loosen.

I’ve never much cared for crossing intothe U.S. Growing up near the border of B.C. and Washington state, we often had cause to do so, however, be it a day trip to Mt. Baker or a cruise down the highway to Seattle. But even back then, when al-Qaida was still just a twinkle in some crazed Islamic wankjob’s eye, you were still treated like a potential smuggler-slash-drug dealer-slash-Canadian scum by the border guards.

What is it about giving a man a gun and a uniform that makes his dick so hard?

Travelling by air has become more and more of an endurance, and that’s even before you board the plane. Richard Reid hides “explosives” in his shoes? Now we have to shuffle through the lineup in our sock feet. UK police uncover a plot to launch a liquid Armageddon? You’ll be dumping that bottled water outside the terminal, young man.

And now some crazed mofo named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a Nigerian no longer content to get his jollies by running Internet scams, hides “a device containing a high explosive” attached to his body inside his underwear.

His plan was to detonate the device as his flight from Amsterdam landed in Detroit. Which begs the question: if something exploded in the disaster zone that is now Motor City, could anybody tell the difference?

According to one story, this nutjob’s name was on a Don’t-Let-This-Asshole-Fly list but someone was obviously still tripping on L-tryptophan and so failed to properly focus on the passenger manifest.

To no one’s surprise, the reaction by American authorities was swift and merciless. According to a story on the MSN.nz website, passengers flying to the U.S. from Auckland will “face a rigorous second set of security checks,” including “rigorous luggage checks, the use of sniffer dogs and possibly body searches.”

There are already certain things you never say in airports or onboard, specifically anything that includes the words “hijack” or “bomb.” You can now add “there’s a party in my pants” to that list.

To my way of thinking, it didn’t matter that Reid or this latest fuckface failed — the terrorists still win.

We are now forced to shuffle through airport security shoeless, waterless and now pretty much clothesless, every single one of us having to prove our innocence by losing our dignity.

I can’t wait until the next douchebag boards a plane with a bomb rammed up his rectum. In fact, I’m going out right now to invest in shares of whatever company makes those latex gloves. I should make a fortune.

So, yeah, maybe there is a positive spin on this latest shitstorm after all.

Thanks, al-Qaida! Allah is indeed great.

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