A pessimist ponders the reality of winning Lotto. And then laughs outloud.

April 8, 2011

Viking Woman insists I’m a pessimist. Rather than ponder whether the glass is half full or half empty, she says I, instead, am always waiting for someone to knock the glass over and spill whatever contents it may have originally contained.

“Au contraire, my dear,” I say. “I am, in fact, a realist.” And then go on to point out how no one would have bothered coining the term “shit happens” unless it were, in fact, true.

I believe mankind is, by nature, pessimistic. How else to explain the belief that bad things come in threes? Do we then, in turn, expect good things to happen in equal proportion? Yeah, right.

One stroke of fortune and we are required to bow to whichever Supreme Being we believe in and be both grateful and humble that said Divine Deity has been so kind as to smile upon us. Asking for two more wonders would somehow feel, well, greedy.

This line of thinking was prompted by Viking Woman and I winning a miniscule percentage of the $28 million Lotto that was available in last Saturday’s draw. Instead of thinking, oh boy, here we go, two more strokes of luck are coming our way and let’s hope one of them is a job offer for me, instead we were like, oh good, now we can afford to buy a quarter tank of petrol.

Are we due two more good things? Sure we are, and Santa and the Easter Bunny are going to deliver them anytime now.

Speaking of lottery draws, remember when winning $1 million was cause for wild celebration and instant retirement? Yeah, neither do I. These days, Viking Woman and I don’t even bother purchasing a ticket until the total is a minimum of $15 million.

I mean, why bother. By the time we paid off the mortgage and the credit card, divvied up enough cash among parents, siblings, children and grandchildren so no one speaks ill of us when we’re dead, there wouldn’t be enough left over to buy even a small island. Waste of time winning anything less than $20 million, if you ask me.

Dreaming is free, of course, and so Viking Woman and I did just that last weekend, over lattes and gluten-free snacks. It’s interesting, when it comes to passing out cash, to see how shallow the dip would be into the family pool.

The uncle and aunt who never gave a gift that didn’t come with strings attached? They get nothing. Unsavoury partners would be separated from the windfall by phalanxes of lawyers.

(Note: I’m not naming names here in the off chance one of the above should happen to win a lottery and, having perused this posting, proceed to erase our names from their wills.)

As for last week’s modest winnings, well, it seemed only fitting that the $34 be reinvested into tickets for the next draw because – and surely this must be a sign of further good fortune to come – the Lotto total has now reached – wait for it – $34 million.

Surely 34 plus 34 must add up to something good, right? Only a pessimist would think otherwise.

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