Botox Mom injected Elvis! And Jesus! And their Martian love child!

May 19, 2011

So the Botox Mom was a hoax. Oh. Really.

You may recall how the entire world was outraged when news broke of a mother injecting her eight-year-old daughter with Botox to better the kid’s chances of winning beauty pageants. Child services, egged on by the public howling, stepped in to liberate the youngster from her overzealous parent.

The story made it all the way down here to New Zealand where Viking Woman, who knows about such things, became instantly suspicious.

“How does a private person get their hands on Botox when it can only be administered by a doctor?” was her first comment. Followed by, “She’s putting the injections in all the wrong places.”

I’m not a medical professional, but I added my own two cents’ worth with this astute observation: “That kid’s way too chubby to be a beauty queen.”

And now the TMZ website has revealed the woman was hired by an English tabloid to play the part of a needle-waving nutjob because, with both Elvis and Jesus having the week off, the paper needed something – anything! – on the cover to boost sales.

The American press – including those serious news outlets who should have known better (it’s a British tabloid, people!) – picked up on the story and soon thereafter, as mentioned above, even those of us in the backwaters of the South Pacific were left shaking our respective heads at this mommy madness.

Despite the blatant red flags, there was one factor that added a smidgeon of truth to this story: it happened in America.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not a Yank basher. My favourite hockey team is in the States. Las Vegas is like a second home to me. I practically have a Starbucks tattoo on my arse. I’m a big Bruce Springsteen fan. Apple pie and hotdogs? Bring ’em on! Although maybe not at the same time.

But, face it, if something crazy or silly or over the top – like, oh, say, setting the Koran on fire – happens, the odds are good the event will have happened in the good ol’ US of A.

Viking Woman and I lived in the States for the better part of two years. We quickly found that being a resident is very different from being a visitor. As Canadians, we’d always assumed there wasn’t a whole lot of difference between Canucks and our American cousins. If we were all dogs, say, Canucks would be the trusty Labrador while Americans would be pit bulls. With guns. But still the same species, right?

Uh, no.

All those OTT characters you see on TV and in the movies? They’re not fiction, people. They really exist.

If we walked into a government office and the woman on the other side of the counter was a plus size and sporting four-inch fake fingernails, we knew we could expect two things: a big dose of attitude and a long wait.

Which is why our first reaction after the Botox Mom story aired on the evening news was this: “Only in America.”

Were we sucked in by the story? Yes, to a degree. Are we surprised that it has now been revealed to be false? Not really.

Then again, I did read the follow-up story on the Internet, not the most reliable of information sources. And TMZ is an American website. Which leads me to conclude that this may not be over yet.

Won’t get fooled again? Yeah, right.

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